Long lost, yet for a brief moment, I got to hold her again
Earlier tonight, I already faced demons, as well as thoughts about honor and empathy. The night had one more dream in store for me… and it would break me.
night of march 15th, 2022 — Part 2
It begins quite casually, though, as these things often do.
AsI slide back into dreaming, I find myself inside a large parking garage, late at night, standing next to our car, together with my Dad. Around us, a live trailer for an action movie is taking place.
You think I mean they are filming it? No!
Projected cars race through the concrete block and around its tight corners. Engine sounds roar all around us. Fake rubber burning up on real asphalt. In this world, I suppose that was normal, because it just felt like another commercial, while if this happened in real life, I’d be running for my life.
I sure hope this never becomes reality.
Then people walk by us, on their way to explore deep into an abandoned building, adjacent to the parking garage here. I ask them if I can join, and to my surprise, they agree. As they explain it more, they make it clear it is actually just a boring mining expedition with an unbelievably long walk, but I want to go anyway.
Adventure, hooray!
My dad gives me a backpack with some supplies in it, like food and water. As I am just about to go off with them… my mom shows up.
She walks towards me, and as she gets close, I don’t understand why, but my eyes open wide, and I am just so unbelievably happy to see her. It genuinely feels like I haven’t seen her in years, and she is simply the most wonderful person in the world, whom I love so much.
I hug her tight, fearing she might disappear forever if I don’t. I even kiss her on the mouth multiple times, just like a friendly kiss, how you would kiss family.
Everything I’m feeling right now is so unusual. Why do I feel so much love for this woman?
As I actually take off for the mine, before I can get far, I wake up… or I think I do.
I am in my room at home, on my bed, but with some large boards in front of me, like in the movies, for putting together clues to solve a mystery or a murder. I feel very lucid right now, and I ponder why I just felt what I felt.
Having strong emotions for someone out of nowhere is normal in dreams. You can be in a scenario where you have a girlfriend or a good friend that you’ve seemingly known for years and cherish, yet really you’ve never seen them before in your life. Those feelings are all just planted there by your subconscious. It’s all part of the story. However…
As I sit on my bed, looking at my murder mystery charts, all while still dreaming, I realize that these emotions aren’t made up… yet they’re also not how I actually feel about her.
My parents and I aren’t close. We always had a lot of arguments. As I got older, they pushed me away a lot, wanted me to move out early, and wouldn’t take me back when I needed help. To be honest, I feel a lot of resentment for them. Perhaps the wound is deeper for my mother because I felt closer to her, which also made it hurt more when she didn’t want me around anymore.
And yet, everything I felt was real and made sense once I understood. Everything I felt, the joy of seeing her, the idea that she had been gone a long time, and my undeniable love for her, was all true. And it was all for my mother, just not as she is today.
The person who came to me in that parking garage was my mother from over a decade ago, from when I was a child.
It was the woman I remember as an angel, who was always there for me, and gave me the feeling that whatever happens, things would be just fine.
Idealistic, I know. I’m sure things weren’t perfect back then either, but that is how I remember her.
She was from a time when all we had to face were the everyday struggles of a good life. Back before my crippling depression overwhelmed them and tore our family apart. Before my Dad started drinking himself to sleep every night. Before Mom got sick a lot.
…
I am grateful to my dreams for letting me meet and feel loved ones again that are long gone now. Here it was my mother from when I was young. Sometimes it is an ex with whom it didn’t work out, though I still felt love for her. I am grateful. And yet I want to cry so bad right now.
The intermission ends, and the dream continues with the story from before. The night’s dreams actually end on a very positive note here. God knows I needed it.
I am back at the parking garage, where I find my way back to the tunnel entrance, where everyone had already entered. Luckily, they aren’t far ahead, and I manage to catch up with the back of the group quickly.
The activity is somewhat similar to what was discussed earlier, but not quite it. It’s much better, though, and so is the group of people with me. We all enter into a large room that goes up seemingly endlessly, with no ceiling in sight, only more people in various heights, climbing.
The room is magical. It’s hard to describe… imagine endless bookshelves from a magical library mixed in with hundreds of odd sparkling items in all kinds of colors and shapes, like in the room in which Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle was hiding when he was wounded. There is so much to see, and climbing, as usual in my dreams, feels so effortless.
The group that I climb with now consists of only young, attractive women. They’re all really friendly and supportive of me joining the group. We climb up the endless walls in a circular pattern, so not straight up but always clockwise around the room as we go higher. The various ledges and objects are positioned that way and are very easy to hold onto.
Climbing is always so easy in my dreams. I feel like a monkey, going from one ledge to the next just by pulling with my arms, and yet they never get tired.
We talk as we climb, and I really am enjoying both the activity and the company. I get more risky with my climbing and try jumping short distances rather than just pulling myself up, yet monkey-me still manages just fine. However, the girl right next to me loses her grip and starts to fall. Luckily, I am just barely able to grab her with one arm while still clinging to the wall. I quickly pull her back into place with all my strength. I also give her a little hug as we’re both safe again and tell her she’s fine now, I got her back.
It was really sweet.
The dream ends here. It’s not yet time for me to get up, though, after everything that happened, I lie awake for the rest of the night, reflecting.